what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
