When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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