true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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