I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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