I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
