the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
