At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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