my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
These tits shall not be calmed
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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