I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
