i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
