So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
