If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
