does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
