i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
