careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
