The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
