6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I am one with the molecules
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
