i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
