if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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