I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
