Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
