Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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