She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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