i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
