she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
