worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
