and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
