I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
