I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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