sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
