Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
you are never too drunk for berry picking
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
