Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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