Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
