# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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