I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
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