Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
