Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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