I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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