I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
