Apparently you make a good broom.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
