My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
