she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
