i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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