Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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