watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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