I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
