We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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