What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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