If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
