my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
whose parrot is this?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
