Whod you bang
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
