I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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